09 Sep 2009 12:26 Stress vs confidence
For those of you who have school aged children, how do you feel now that your children have gone back to school? Sad, pleased, mixed feelings about it? Well, my children have finally gone back to school and I can start to get down to business again. I love having them around, but after 9 weeks holiday we are all ready to go back. Business issues stack up and I work from home so working in the holidays is not easy (nor do I want to frankly!)
With a slight whiff of irony about it, I got straight into things yesterday morning; I ran an INSET day for 70 teachers on stress resilience! They all looked like they loved teaching and didn’t need any help on stress at all; they might feel differently by mid- November of course!
I, on the other hand, have got a million things to do like all of us who juggle family and business and no time to do it in, and time management is really not my thing. So what is stress and what causes it? We feel stressed when we are out of control or perceive that we are out of control of events in our life and confident when we are in control. There are lots of things in life that we can’t control and lots that we can. The trick is to know the difference and to realise that you have more choice than you think you do.
What part do we play in creating our own stress? There are practical solutions of course that seem obvious to an outsider. The mother who told us that she feels very stressed every morning because she can’t get her children out of the house on time for school could probably alleviate a lot of it by getting up earlier; the person who can’t say “no” is likely to feel stressed and needs to say “no” more often.
More often though it is *how* we think about situations that cause us stress or anxiety. Perhaps your child has started a new school or has new people in their class and either you or they are anxious about it. The fact is that we cause ourselves stress by thinking about ways in which something can go wrong. Our minds and bodies don’t differentiate between real and imagined events so we create the same physical reactions to our thoughts as we do in reality.
When you have anxious thoughts try doing this:
1 Ask yourself, “Do I KNOW that is going to happen?” (probably not)
2 Take a deep breath
3 Think about what you would like to happen and create mental images of it going well
4 Notice how that changes your feelings about the event.
The more confident you are about something, the more likely it will go well anyway. Teach your children how to set themselves up to feel confident by encouraging them to make images in their minds about everything going well.
With a slight whiff of irony about it, I got straight into things yesterday morning; I ran an INSET day for 70 teachers on stress resilience! They all looked like they loved teaching and didn’t need any help on stress at all; they might feel differently by mid- November of course!
I, on the other hand, have got a million things to do like all of us who juggle family and business and no time to do it in, and time management is really not my thing. So what is stress and what causes it? We feel stressed when we are out of control or perceive that we are out of control of events in our life and confident when we are in control. There are lots of things in life that we can’t control and lots that we can. The trick is to know the difference and to realise that you have more choice than you think you do.
What part do we play in creating our own stress? There are practical solutions of course that seem obvious to an outsider. The mother who told us that she feels very stressed every morning because she can’t get her children out of the house on time for school could probably alleviate a lot of it by getting up earlier; the person who can’t say “no” is likely to feel stressed and needs to say “no” more often.
More often though it is *how* we think about situations that cause us stress or anxiety. Perhaps your child has started a new school or has new people in their class and either you or they are anxious about it. The fact is that we cause ourselves stress by thinking about ways in which something can go wrong. Our minds and bodies don’t differentiate between real and imagined events so we create the same physical reactions to our thoughts as we do in reality.
When you have anxious thoughts try doing this:
1 Ask yourself, “Do I KNOW that is going to happen?” (probably not)
2 Take a deep breath
3 Think about what you would like to happen and create mental images of it going well
4 Notice how that changes your feelings about the event.
The more confident you are about something, the more likely it will go well anyway. Teach your children how to set themselves up to feel confident by encouraging them to make images in their minds about everything going well.
17 Aug 2009 19:35 Where do babies come from?
Oh yes, that is a tricky question. Also in that category are these questions that I have faced, “I know how babies get out but how do they get IN?”, “When does the baby know to start growing?” and “Is making a baby really disgusting Mummy – you poor thing?” There was a new survey out this week about the most difficult questions asked by children. There was an article in the Daily Telegraph and coverage on the BBC. Essentially, the survey included questions that were science based and therefore simply stump parents because we don’t know how to answer them, like “Why is the sky blue?” These “difficult” questions actually fit into two categories; 1) Questions that you can’t answer because you don’t KNOW the answer and 2) Questions that you don’t WANT to answer because they are embarrassing or age-inappropriate. I remember my poor mother trying to answer “What’s a prostitute?” when I was about 10 (I don’t think she would want to tell me now if the truth be known!) Only last week, Tom (11) was leafing through a newspaper when we were on holiday and came across a survey in the women’s section of the newspaper. He and his friend Ella (also 11) clearly spent some time reading the survey as we were asked, over breakfast, “how many times a year do you make love?”. I nearly choked on my croissant and Ella (being a girl and a bit more savvy on what to ask your parents and what not to ask them) sat with her very red face firmly in her hands. Oh my Lord, how to answer that, or not answer it. I spluttered through “Why do you want to know, some things are private, it’s not important, ask your father……”, but would he let it lie – he was determined to get an answer. He told us that the average for married couples was 98 (98?!?!) and what was our number? He even told us kindly that he “wouldn’t mind” what the answer was. The truth is that I don’t think he knows what it all means, hence his lack of embarrassment in comparison to Ella’s. I think we got away with it!
Actually I am usually very good about answering questions that are awkward. My rules for awkward questions are:
1) Be truthful.
2) Only tell them as much as their question requires and no more.
3) Try not to look embarrassed or awkward – they are not trying to embarrass you.
4) Make it clear that if they don’t understand something, they can ask you and you will give them an honest answer.
And as for the other type of difficult question? Spend some time together finding out. Children need to know how to discover things for themselves and it’s good to know that Mum and Dad don’t know everything.
Actually I am usually very good about answering questions that are awkward. My rules for awkward questions are:
1) Be truthful.
2) Only tell them as much as their question requires and no more.
3) Try not to look embarrassed or awkward – they are not trying to embarrass you.
4) Make it clear that if they don’t understand something, they can ask you and you will give them an honest answer.
And as for the other type of difficult question? Spend some time together finding out. Children need to know how to discover things for themselves and it’s good to know that Mum and Dad don’t know everything.
29 Jul 2009 17:04 How To Teach Your Children The Power Of Positive Thinking
These are testing times for positive thinking. We are being bombarded with negative messages about the economy by all forms of media and doom and gloom seems to surround us. Even the Met Office has played a part today by telling us that the weather forecast for August, instead of the "barbeque summer" they predicted, will, in fact, be more of an "umbrella summer". Ho hum. Sussex and Kagools next week then!
I am a very optimistic person and I still feel knocked sideways every now and then by the negativity around. In fact a friend of mine laughed a great deal when the words "we are lucky the recession hit us so early" left my lips! "Is there no end to your optimism?!" she asked through the laughter. I do hope not.
So what do I mean by positive thinking? What I mean is that we need to think about what we do want, not what we don't want. For those of you who know me and have read my books, you know that I bang on about this in relation to communication (we are understood much more effectively and our children are much more likely to comply with our wishes if we tell them what we WANT them to do, rather than what we DON'T WANT them to do).
Thinking about what we do want has far greater implications than just communication. In our NLP workshops we teach people that you get what you focus on. Our thoughts act as instructions to our minds and bodies. Have you ever noticed that if you are getting a new car you suddenly see the one you want everywhere? The point is that when we think about something we focus our attention on it and all our unconscious energy goes into noticing ways of getting it.
When I was a about 15 years old, we were on holiday in Majorca with some family friends. I was swimming out in the calm water with the mother of the other family when she turned to me and said, "You know Emma, I admire the way that you are single minded about knowing what you want and then getting it". I had no awareness at all that I was in any way single minded and certainly didn't know WHAT I did that meant that I achieved what I wanted to. Have you ever known that you wanted something and there was absolutely no doubt in your mind that you would get it? It may have been a small thing and it may have been something huge. My husband absolutely knew that he was going to get in to RADA to train to be an actor and despite incredible competition, got in. He never doubted it. I knew what secondary school I wanted to go to, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would end up there even though there wasn't a place for me until two weeks before term started. I didn't doubt it.
Positive thinking produces positive results. If we set ourselves up to get what we want, we will work hard and notice the opportunities that are presented to us that lead us to our goal. My 11 year old son is a very good example of the power of focus and lack of it! All his teachers (yes ALL) find him extraordinarily frustrating because he loses focus so regularly. The recent result of which was a shock for him in the form of very poor exam results. It's a very different story when he DECIDES that he wants something. Oh yes, what a different story; the surprise winner of two competitions (not a surprise for him because he knew he was going to win).
Here's how to teach your children to think positively and get what they want in their lives:
1 Visualise already having or achieving what you want.
You may realise now, that if you have ever known that you were going to achieve something and there was no doubt, you will have imagined having achieved it over and over again before it came true for you. I remember writing the address of the school I wanted to go to over and over again and pinning it up in my bedroom. I imagined myself wearing the uniform and walking around the school.
A fun way to visualise is to keep a "Dream" book. I bought my two children an A4 plain paper sketch book this holidays. In it they have put pictures of all the things they want to have and achieve. It's very interesting what they choose to put in it - we have a range from "a barbeque on my birthday" to "when I leave Oxford University I will travel round Australia" (she's 9). I have learned a great deal about what they both want from life and how they go about it. We had a lot of fun creating them and looking at them every day is motivating.
2 Help them to believe that it CAN happen
Always encourage them to believe in possibility. Help them to think beyond "I can't" by asking them: "What would happen if you could?"
3 Encourage them to take the actions that they need to take to live their dreams.
I realise that there is a huge market in "Law of Attraction" products. They give the impression that all you do is think about something, sit around and it lands in your lap. It is likely that the Law of Attraction works precisely because your thoughts focus your actions and positive people attract other positive people. I doubt Napoleon Hill's best selling book "Think and Grow Rich" would have sold as many if it were called "Think, Do Something and Grow Rich"!
On the other hand..........We were recently disappointed because we were going to have two days cut off the front of our holiday next week. The people who are staying in the house are moving into a new house and all sorts of building work had gone wrong which meant they couldn't move out until Monday, so we would miss the weekend with our friends who we had invited to go with us. When I broke the news to the children, a tearful Hannah said to me, "I thought you were teaching us to think positively - so why are you telling us we won't be able to go?" I explained that it was a fact that they couldn't get out and there was nothing we could do about it.
She refused to accept that we wouldn't be there this weekend.
I have just had a phonecall saying that they will, against the odds, be moving out in time for Saturday..
I am a very optimistic person and I still feel knocked sideways every now and then by the negativity around. In fact a friend of mine laughed a great deal when the words "we are lucky the recession hit us so early" left my lips! "Is there no end to your optimism?!" she asked through the laughter. I do hope not.
So what do I mean by positive thinking? What I mean is that we need to think about what we do want, not what we don't want. For those of you who know me and have read my books, you know that I bang on about this in relation to communication (we are understood much more effectively and our children are much more likely to comply with our wishes if we tell them what we WANT them to do, rather than what we DON'T WANT them to do).
Thinking about what we do want has far greater implications than just communication. In our NLP workshops we teach people that you get what you focus on. Our thoughts act as instructions to our minds and bodies. Have you ever noticed that if you are getting a new car you suddenly see the one you want everywhere? The point is that when we think about something we focus our attention on it and all our unconscious energy goes into noticing ways of getting it.
When I was a about 15 years old, we were on holiday in Majorca with some family friends. I was swimming out in the calm water with the mother of the other family when she turned to me and said, "You know Emma, I admire the way that you are single minded about knowing what you want and then getting it". I had no awareness at all that I was in any way single minded and certainly didn't know WHAT I did that meant that I achieved what I wanted to. Have you ever known that you wanted something and there was absolutely no doubt in your mind that you would get it? It may have been a small thing and it may have been something huge. My husband absolutely knew that he was going to get in to RADA to train to be an actor and despite incredible competition, got in. He never doubted it. I knew what secondary school I wanted to go to, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would end up there even though there wasn't a place for me until two weeks before term started. I didn't doubt it.
Positive thinking produces positive results. If we set ourselves up to get what we want, we will work hard and notice the opportunities that are presented to us that lead us to our goal. My 11 year old son is a very good example of the power of focus and lack of it! All his teachers (yes ALL) find him extraordinarily frustrating because he loses focus so regularly. The recent result of which was a shock for him in the form of very poor exam results. It's a very different story when he DECIDES that he wants something. Oh yes, what a different story; the surprise winner of two competitions (not a surprise for him because he knew he was going to win).
Here's how to teach your children to think positively and get what they want in their lives:
1 Visualise already having or achieving what you want.
You may realise now, that if you have ever known that you were going to achieve something and there was no doubt, you will have imagined having achieved it over and over again before it came true for you. I remember writing the address of the school I wanted to go to over and over again and pinning it up in my bedroom. I imagined myself wearing the uniform and walking around the school.
A fun way to visualise is to keep a "Dream" book. I bought my two children an A4 plain paper sketch book this holidays. In it they have put pictures of all the things they want to have and achieve. It's very interesting what they choose to put in it - we have a range from "a barbeque on my birthday" to "when I leave Oxford University I will travel round Australia" (she's 9). I have learned a great deal about what they both want from life and how they go about it. We had a lot of fun creating them and looking at them every day is motivating.
2 Help them to believe that it CAN happen
Always encourage them to believe in possibility. Help them to think beyond "I can't" by asking them: "What would happen if you could?"
3 Encourage them to take the actions that they need to take to live their dreams.
I realise that there is a huge market in "Law of Attraction" products. They give the impression that all you do is think about something, sit around and it lands in your lap. It is likely that the Law of Attraction works precisely because your thoughts focus your actions and positive people attract other positive people. I doubt Napoleon Hill's best selling book "Think and Grow Rich" would have sold as many if it were called "Think, Do Something and Grow Rich"!
On the other hand..........We were recently disappointed because we were going to have two days cut off the front of our holiday next week. The people who are staying in the house are moving into a new house and all sorts of building work had gone wrong which meant they couldn't move out until Monday, so we would miss the weekend with our friends who we had invited to go with us. When I broke the news to the children, a tearful Hannah said to me, "I thought you were teaching us to think positively - so why are you telling us we won't be able to go?" I explained that it was a fact that they couldn't get out and there was nothing we could do about it.
She refused to accept that we wouldn't be there this weekend.
I have just had a phonecall saying that they will, against the odds, be moving out in time for Saturday..
