Bring up happy children

We promised that mummo would be about more than ‘just’ being a mum, and hopefully it is! Yet we probably all aspire to being a great mum and recognise that it’s the most important job we’ll ever do. So how on earth do we work out how to do it? Copy what our parents did with us, on the grounds that they didn’t do so badly? Do the exact opposite of our parents, on the grounds that they’ve completely messed us up? Or what? If you’re anything like me, you’ll veer from one approach to another, occasionally trawling through a parenting book to try and solve the latest behavioural ‘issue’! And you may even, like me, have days of thinking that you just might be a good mum and other days of feeling like the world’s worst! The simple truth is that no-one is ever going to be a perfect parent, you just need to be good enough. We’ve searched the library and the web for those pearls of wisdom that, in our view, get right to the heart of positive parenting. So here are our top ten tips for bringing up happy children ...

1. If you love your children, put yourself first
2. If you're in a relationship, look after it
3. Cherish your children
4. Teach your children to fish
5. Focus on what you want
6. Give respect ... and expect it in return
7. Use 'I' messages
8. Set boundaries ... and stick to them
9. Play together to stay together
10. Celebrate the past, live in the moment and look forward to the future
    

1. If you love your children, put yourself first

Life is crazy busy these days and far too many children are living with a mum who is unhappy, frazzled and stressed out. We run ourselves ragged trying to do more and more, often for our children, and forget that they are most likely to flourish when raised by happy, balanced parents. Happy mums really do make for happy families, so the best way to give more to your children is by giving more to yourself. You may think you don’t have time, and yet it’s ultimately a question of priorities. Remember, by looking after yourself first, you not only have more energy and enthusiasm with which to look after your little ones, you’re also showing them how to live as a happy, healthy adult … which, let’s face it, is what you want them to do one day! So go on, be a good role model.

2. If you’re in a relationship, look after it

One relationship expert explained it like this ... Imagine a series of concentric circles, like ripples in a pond. In a healthy family, you and your partner would be standing together in the centre circle, with your children in the next circle out, and then extended family and friends beyond that. In other words, your relationship with each other should come first, before your relationships with your children. In too many families everything revolves around the children and one parent - usually the father - gets pushed out to the edges. This doesn’t help anybody. It threatens the partnership that should be at the heart of the family and gives the kids too much power. In the long run, it’s also likely to make you lonely, exhausted and unhappy ... and so it’s strongly linked to the first tip.

If you love your children, show them what it means to be in a healthy, loving adult relationship (whether that’s with their biological father or not).

3. Cherish your children

No matter what your situation, no matter how often your children drive you crazy, try to remember that you are lucky to have them. There are thousands of women who would gladly trade places with you, who would give anything to have a child. It may not always feel like it, but it’s a privilege to be a parent.

Hug and cuddle your children as much as you can. A new look into a 40 year old study on child-rearing practices, conducted at Harvard University, shows that those children who were hugged and cuddled the most grew up to be the happiest. Help your little (and not-so-little) ones to feel loved, no matter what.

4. Teach your children to fish

In other words, teach them to fish for themselves rather than always putting fish on the plate for them! If you want your children to grow up as responsible, caring citizens who are able to live happy independent lives, you have to let them learn to look after themselves. It’s tempting to think that, as a parent, you have to do everything and know everything. You don’t. Your role, in fact, is to coach and support your children to develop the skills they need to leave you! So give them their own special jobs to do and watch them blossom as they learn. They will rapidly gain in confidence and competence, and will get a big buzz from being able to contribute to the family. (Okay, unless you’ve left it too late and they’ve already hit the teenage years!)

Keep in mind this quote from the poet and writer Khalil Gibran:

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

5. Focus on what you want

Just about every positive parenting book, article or TV programme you come across these days will stress the importance of this: rewarding the behaviour you want and ignoring the behaviour you don’t. Easier said than done when your toddler is throwing themselves headfirst onto the tarmac in front of an oncoming car! However, the principle is sound. Children want attention, and will do whatever it takes to get it. So, if you give them attention when they’re doing the things you want them to do and, as far as possible, ignore them when they’re not, they will soon learn to do more of the first and less of the second. Simple, huh!

Well, yes ... ish! But there’s also a knack to the way you give good attention. Experts agree that indiscriminate praise isn’t necessarily the most helpful thing to do, as children don’t believe it and so discount it. Far better to make concrete observations and give very specific feedback. For example, instead of saying “Wow, that’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen”, say “You’ve used lots of different colours, haven’t you? I especially like the wiggly lines at the bottom.” Instead of “You are the best tidier-upper in the whole world”, say “Thank you for putting all your toys away so quickly when mummy asked you to.” Subtle but significant differences.

6. Give respect ... and expect it in return

Respect is incredibly important. It’s a cornerstone of civilised society, and underpins the way we interact with each other every day. It’s rare, if not impossible, to have real love without respect. Once again, you need to be a role model and demonstrate what respect means by:

• treating your children with respect
• treating yourself with respect
• treating other people with respect
• treating your own and other people’s property with respect

Respecting people involves listening to them, taking their views and feelings seriously, never making fun of them or putting them down, doing what you say you will, being polite, kind and considerate. It doesn’t include things like shouting, swearing, hitting, spitting or throwing litter. We’ve all done it ... heard our little one proudly repeat the obscenity we uttered just a few minutes / hours / days earlier! Yet, as a general rule, you have to practise what you preach and live the way you want your children to live. They copy you.

Respect is particularly important when your children misbehave. BBC happiness expert Brett Kahr recommends seeking to understand the meaning behind the behaviour. For example, “When you stole £2 from my purse, I think it was a cry for help. I think you feel you’re missing something. Let’s talk about what’s making you unhappy.” As Kahr says, “If you treat children as human beings, they will respond in kind.”

7. Use ‘I’ messages

At the end of a long, hard day it’s all too easy to criticise your child and their character, rather than their behaviour. And yet the damage this does can be considerable. One way to avoid it is to use ‘I’ messages, as these help you to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than just casting judgement on others. For example, when you come in from work to find your teenager lounging on the sofa surrounded by chaos, you could easily let rip: “You drive me mad, you’re so lazy and inconsiderate!” etc etc. An alternative response, using an ‘I’ message, might be: “I feel really disappointed that the house is such a mess and the washing up needs to be done before I can start making tea.” Not only does this avoid direct criticism, it also places the onus on the child to find a solution. You’ve stated your case, now they have a chance to do something about it ... or not, as the case may be! Either way, you can feel happy that you’ve expressed yourself in a constructive manner (although you might still need to go and scream at the bottom of the garden!).

8. Set boundaries ... and stick to them

Children need to feel in control of certain areas of their lives, and they also need the stability and security of boundaries. Create family rules but ensure that there is flexibility too. For instance, a family rule might be that the shared areas of the home need to be clean and tidy before bed, whilst the tidiness of the children’s rooms is left up to them (on the basis that you can always keep the door shut!) Whatever you do, make sure that you are clear and as consistent as realistically possible. There’s no point one parent having a rule that there are no books or toys at the dining table if the other parent doesn’t enforce it!

Wherever people live together, there are bound to be disagreements. Fights arise when two people have opposing views, and it’s tempting to go head to head with your children. Bear in mind that often you can find a third way that works for both you and your child. Treat a disagreement as an opportunity for joint problem-solving. How can you work the situation out together, in a manner that respects both of your needs? Remember to stay focused on the issue rather than trying to be right!

9. Play together to stay together

Forget the never-ending list of jobs to do and just let go. After all, no-one ever looks back on their childhood and remembers what a clean house they grew up in! Have fun, play with your kids and rediscover your inner child! Laughing, tickling, and playing together is the foundation of a happy home. It can go a long way towards providing your family with much needed quality time together and preventing much of the needless conflict and behaviours that drive you crazy. Children who experience a regular dose of quality time with their parents don't need to act out to get their attention.

10. Celebrate the past, live in the moment and look forward to the future

Can you do all three?! Well, yes, and the trick is to get the balance right. Children have an amazing capacity to just ‘be’ in the present moment, and one of the simplest ways to stay calm and enjoy time with them is to click into the same mode. Of course, as an adult, it’s not realistic to live like that all day every day, but research shows that there are all kinds of benefits to be gained from taking a more ‘mindful’ approach. The more you can live in the here and now, the happier you are likely to be ... in the here and now!

Having said that, children (big and small!) love the sense of history and belonging that comes from talking about and celebrating special times from their past. Half an hour spent poring over the photo albums before bed can really help them to develop a sense of who they are and where they’ve come from. And Martin Seligman, the founder of the positive psychology movement, also recommends a relaxing chat at bedtime where you encourage your children to:

• describe their best moments of the day - to focus on the positives
• preview what will happen tomorrow - to promote future-mindedness
• visualise a ‘happy’ picture - because their last thought before drifting into sleep becomes the basis of their dreams

Finally, you want your children to look forward to the future and feel optimistic about what it holds. Ensure you talk positively about all the exciting and enjoyable things you’ll be doing, and create family rituals and traditions to look forward. Whether it’s just a ‘carpet picnic’ every Friday tea or a trip to a West End show every Christmas, these are the highlights that can make a life look and feel full of promise. And remember, we need them as much as our little ones do!